Taking Control

TW: Binge eating disorder.

I’ve been down the road of diets since 2014. I’ve shoved all kinds of different concepts in my head, from what time I should stop eating every evening to how much time I have in a day to eat. I’ve tried so many different ways to get control of my eating, and each time I came out unsuccessful, my diet gets worse. Each time I failed, I just hated myself for it. Why can’t I get this under control? Why can’t I eat like normal people do?

I first started out with counting calories in My Fitness Pal and working out. I came to find out I actually enjoy physical activity, so that has never been my issue. My weight and eating habits have always been my issue.

From tracking calories, I moved on to macros, and further restricting myself with a “water first, veggies most” approach through Beachbody. I love their work outs, don’t get me wrong. But that was one diet I tried that is part of the bigger picture. I tried keto, intermittent fasting, portion control, and at one point I was seeing a dietician once a month to learn mindful eating.

I was doing incredibly well last year, despite 2020 being, well… 2020. I was losing weight and I felt healthy; I really thought mindful eating was working for me.

But then in October, I was diagnosed with Exertional Compartment Syndrome, which required surgery on both my legs, called a bilateral fasciotomy. For a month and a half, I couldn’t walk. I spent a lot of time sitting in bed, and I could feel myself losing control of my eating. I started physical therapy in late December, and didn’t “graduate” from there until late May. Now, I can walk long distances and run again, I can jump rope again, without the excruciating pain that I had before the surgery.

Unfortunately, that win came with a 30lb weight gain, which put me at the biggest I’ve ever been in my life. I felt completely hopeless. I’ve shed and gained the same 20lbs since 2014, and I felt like this was it.

A lot of my thoughts consisted of things like “I can’t do it again. I don’t feel like fighting for months and months just to lose 5 pounds. It’s not fair that I gain faster than I lose. I hate this. I hate myself. Why can’t I just eat like everyone else?”

I don’t remember when I found this book, but I believe it was on Twitter, probably mindlessly scrolling so I wouldn’t get up and snack for the millionth time. The book is called The F*ck It Diet. At first I was like, great, another diet people are jumping on with more false claims. But the more I read about it, the more I realized it was basically about not dieting at all.

Wait, what?

No diets?

That’s impossible. I have to diet to control myself.

Well, wait. That hasn’t worked for me either.

After these thoughts and more, I decided to buy the book. I’ve been reading it for over a month now and I’m about halfway through. But I’ve been transitioning off the mindset that I need to limit food. I know that sounds absolutely insane, and it did to me at first, but it seems to be working. For me personally, if I take the restrictions away, I start to allow myself to enjoy the food I eat. If I enjoy the food I eat, I feel better about what I ate, which somehow leads me to not want to continue eating other stuff afterwards.

I know this is going to be a long journey, longer than any diet I’ve ever been on. It’s going to take a lot of time to get my brain completely off diets and restrictions. I still find myself stressing about portions, stressing about how much dessert I should have or if I should even eat any at all. I find myself wanting to stop eating at 6pm and not eat til 9am the next day, but I stop myself. It’s going to take time to repair years of diet mind.

For anyone struggling with eating, I suggest reading The F*ck It Diet. I know it isn’t for everyone, and a lot of people have gained weight initially, but it’s really all in how you process what you read. In my mind, it didn’t mean I could have a free for all with food. It just meant I needed to start being kind to myself. But again, it’s all about how you interpret the book and what you need from it. Not everyone gets the same thing out of it, and some people even need the structure of a diet, but if you’re struggling and diets have failed you time and time again, read the book. It could help!