Effects

Loneliness.

I felt it coming on about midday Friday, and it’s interesting what triggered this and the all around “down” feeling. I had a conference with a teacher and she proudly spoke of how my oldest child talks about me.

She always says how “my mommy is the best mommy in the world”. She’s a very loving kid; you can tell she’s very loved at home.

Wait, what?

I’ve been convinced that I’ve ruined my oldest. Truthfully, I have not been the best mother to her. I have not been very patient when I should’ve been, I have not been very loving when I should’ve been, and I spent the first 2 years of her life working so much that she was practically raised by a daycare. When I became a stay-at-home mom to her and her siblings, I’ll be honest; I didn’t know who my child was or how to interact with her. That’s how much time she spent at daycare. Only recently have we formed a bond, and I have felt incredibly guilty thinking we didn’t have much of one. To hear that my child speaks of me in such a positive way was mind blowing. I may not be screwing it up like I thought all along.

But then my mind started wondering why my own mother couldn’t turn it around like I did. Why couldn’t my own mother get help and therapy and figure out a way to be a better mom? Was I not good enough?

Everything started going downhill. I started hating my body and the same 20 pounds I lose and gain, to the point where I expressed not wanting to go to a dinner we’ve had scheduled for over a month. Then I was told why my husband has been distant recently, something that also fed into this roller coaster of a weekend.

I wanted to give you some space to do your therapy stuff…

His distance, albeit with good intentions, has amplified all of these negative emotions that hit me this weekend. It was all like a domino effect, and I wanted to bring it to the attention of whoever reads this; sometimes space is a bad idea!

Yes, there are people out there who thrive on being given space, so they can think and sort through things without distraction. But there are also people out there (like myself) who need comfort while going through therapy and opening old wounds. We need reassurance because borderline personality disorder makes us feel as though everyone will leave us. It might be a good idea to talk with them and see if they would prefer some space or if they simply need you there for them. Please do not just assume whether they will need you to step away or not, because everyone is different.

I’m learning more and more how communication is everything. And, I’m going to the dinner party.