Last night, I was triggered by something that I still do not understand about myself. Maybe it’s due to my incredibly low self-esteem, maybe it’s based on how I was raised, hell maybe it’s because of an abusive relationship I was in many years ago, but anything relating to naked bodies even in an artistic form makes me very uncomfortable and upset. It’s just who I am and I have not been able to change that.
It wasn’t even a secret but I saw that my husband had been watching an art video on Twitch that involved a naked female painting herself in a neon setting, so you really couldn’t see nipples or anything, but it just upset me. I realize it was simply for art because as I looked into this particular channel, I saw that both men and women had painted themselves for various themes and it actually did look pretty cool. But my mind went elsewhere.
My mind went to “well he must have been watching that because she’s skinny” “if he wants a body like that, he ain’t gonna find it with me, might as well start a fight and kick his ass out”.
The BIG difference here is I recognized how upset I was making myself. I finished watching the streamer we were watching together (a different channel), and once it was over I turned the TV off, fed the cat, and went to our bedroom. There, I laid down and listened to music while browsing social media on my phone.
I can only control myself. I am only in charge of myself.
I kept repeating these words in my head, and after a while, my husband joined me in our bedroom and commented on how I just left the living room without saying anything. I explained to him how I felt myself getting worked up and decided to send myself to the room to calm down. He simply nodded, said “okay then” and that was that.
I constantly have to remind myself that my husband is not like those before him. I have a very broken past, and that makes it very hard for me to trust anyone. My mind is always thinking people are capable of the worst. It’s a struggle I’ve always had. But the fact that last night I was able to recognize what my mind was doing and how worked up I was getting, tells me that therapy is working. Healing and recovery are possible, and I wanted to share this small positive with anyone who needs to see it today.
BPD: A Journey 