Forgiving Yourself

At church this past Sunday, the sermon was about compassion; having compassion for others while standing firm in your beliefs. My takeaway from that was “okay, I need to be less judgmental of certain people in my life”. Then yesterday at therapy, we had a huge breakthrough; forgiveness. But it wasn’t about forgiving others, it was about forgiving myself, a foreign concept to me.

We dug deeper into all of the things I’ve blamed myself for in life, mainly pertaining to my oldest child. I explained to my therapist how there has always been a disconnect between my oldest and myself, and how I don’t know why that is or how to fix it. As therapy went on, I realized I blamed myself for everything that happened in the first two years of her life. I blamed myself for the incompetent birth father she had, and how he treated her (completely ignored her needs) shortly after I went back to work. I blamed myself for having to put her in daycare so I could continue to work, once I realized her birth father was ignoring her and otherwise worthless. I blamed myself for having to raise her as a single mom for a couple of years. I blamed myself for choosing the wrong person to have a kid with. Blame, blame, blame.

I broke down in that therapist’s office. I cried hard as the therapist turned it all around for me. She told me I did those things to  make sure my child was taken care of, to make sure she was safe; to ensure I could provide a better life for her. She told me that obviously I care about my daughter, and that any good mom would do what I did and have done to take care of her. And I realized that she’s right. This whole time, I’ve held back emotionally with my oldest because I was afraid I had already screwed up so much. In reality, this child raves about her mom at school, as I’ve mentioned in an earlier blog. She has a much better life now than we ever could’ve had if I had stuck around with her birth father. I feel like I’m bragging, but I really am a good mom.

I’m not used to saying that about myself.

When we stepped back and looked at the bigger picture, I realized that I blame myself for a lot of things, and I carry that blame with me everywhere. It’s the reason I’m uncomfortable when someone gives me a compliment. It’s the reason I’m so quick to judge others. It’s the reason I struggle with body image issues, or why I’m afraid to sing in front of anyone when my favorite songs are on.

All of this blame has forced me to see myself extremely negatively, and I’m fairly certain I’m not the only one struggling with this. Someone out there needs to see this. We are human; we all make mistakes. There is nobody in this world who has never screwed up in their entire life. Holding onto those mistakes and punishing ourselves for them isn’t going to fix a thing. We need to show compassion for ourselves just as much as we should show compassion for others. I know I need to stop judging myself so harshly, and I’m pretty certain someone reading this needs to do the same. We should acknowledge the mistakes, learn from them, but leave them where they happened. Don’t carry that stuff with you. It’s definitely something I am actively working on because if I can’t forgive myself, surely I can’t forgive others.

❤