*some abuse triggers*
My mind likes to take me from the moment and travel back in time to any point where I experienced some form of negative emotions. As I’m sitting here trying to put the words in my mind onto this screen, I’m given distractions of the past.
Oh remember that time you were in high school and you used the computers in the library to type in your journal because you were all alone and nobody liked you?
I’m back, staring at this next paragraph. I hear the noises in my house.
Earlier when I was washing the dishes, I had a plate in my hand and suddenly
Remember that time you lived with the abusive asshole and you felt fear every time you heard the front door open because it meant your peace was over?
Suddenly I was back in my house, washing a cup because I had washed several dishes during that flashback.
Each time my mind takes me away to times I’d much rather forget, I have to focus hard to bring myself back in. I find myself saying stuff like “this is your home, you’re married to *insert name here*, you have kids and pets” just to bring my mind back to the present so I realize I’m not in that memory my brain is forcing through.
Remember that thing your ex husband’s girlfriend said, that he claims you were better than her? He hits her; why didn’t he hit you? Was it because you were special or because the Lord was protecting you from going through that again?
And I’m back. I can’t possibly be the only one whose mind functions this way. I wish there was a better way to keep it grounded. I’ve gotten better about controlling it when we’re being romantic because it used to be
Man this feels familiar. You probably shouldn’t try to enjoy it, because you’re not allowed to.
But I’ve made a breakthrough with that situation; I can breathe and fully allow myself to enjoy those moments because I feel safe. Maybe I don’t feel safe doing every day things? I don’t see why I wouldn’t, but I suppose that’s a possibility. Or maybe I still need to work on my confidence; stop expecting people to hurt me or leave me and actually allow myself to enjoy them and fully love with all I have.
That’s probably a bad idea; remember that time-
Shut up.
BPD: A Journey 